Love Dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot!

Warning for Men

Women often receive e-mail warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

This is a 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowes, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the past two months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car. As you are packing your shopping items into the trunk, they both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also, September 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

F.Y.I. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out.. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth between Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Lowes, Home Depot, and Costco.

And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's when the fight started....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that's when the fight started....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started....

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight is damned near perfect.'

And that's when the fight started....

I took my wife to a restaurant.. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And that's when the fight started....

Why Men Favor Handguns Over Women

10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLO SET SPACE.

4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

and the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman is…..

1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

Mourning the Loss of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of my beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.....

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

My New Diet, Explained

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

The Aisle Seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...

'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

The Patriot Microchip

The Patriot Microchip is intended to be implanted in terrorists.
The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead.
When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to god.
It comes in various sizes:

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.
Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best regards,

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

1955, ma'am.'

Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

(Gotta love military time)

Communications

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Aberdeen Times, a local newspaper in Idaho, reported the following: After digging as deep as 300 feet in his pasture near Sterling, Idaho, Bubba Brown, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Idaho had already gone wireless.

"Sheeple"

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Idaho Slander

I recently was sent this vicious lie and slander on the good people of Idaho.

Winter Statistic:

98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM IDAHO AND SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS'.

This is obviously an unprovoked attack on the character and judgment of my dear friends and fellow residents of the Great State of Idaho.

No one from Idaho would ever let go of their beer, especially when they needed it the most.

Please report all incidents in the comments below.

Not Gonna Be A Christmas For You!

The economy is so bad right now that even Santa Claus is making concessions this year.

Wild West Rules

Rules of Wyoming , Montana , Utah , Idaho , and the rest of the 'Wild West' are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. So, drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 & I-90 go east and west, I-25 & I-15 go north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8.. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11.. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah... We don't care what you folks in New York call that stuff you eat. IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14.College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dangsite more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16.. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vocational-tech Universities. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.

17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines than all of you put together, so don't mess with us. If you do, you'll get whipped by the best.

18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it any more than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

Idaho Farm Kid

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Bullshit and Brilliance

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics

New Government Seal

Official Announcement

The United States Government announced today that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A Condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

Lower Gas Prices

One solution to the high price of gas would be to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The demand for gas would be reduced, so the price of gas would also be reduced.

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military .

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway; without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

There you have it: A solution to deter illegal immigration; bring our troops home from both Iraq and Afghanistan; and lower gas prices all at the same time.

Problem solved. Why is this stuff so difficult for the politicians to figure out?

Kids

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant..

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes..

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints..

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking..

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags..

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat..

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle..

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this..

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on..

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K..

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes ..

After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem..

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents..

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever..

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes..

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team..

Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment..

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of..

They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas..

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good..

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were..

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?

Deterioration of the US Military

Almost seven years ago I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power.

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched the Clintons board Air Force One for the last time.

I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing president and first lady. It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under the Clinton administration.

Every last one of them missed.

Stressed Driver

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.'

'Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

Democrat's Answer :

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and; make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

My Answer:

I prefer (and carry) the Glock 27. BANG! BANG! (slight pause while I change my aim) BANG! That's two in the chest and one in the head (it's a military thing).

An Interesting Parable

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table ... everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be . quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see ... Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to "press one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder...

Stupid Lawyer Duck Hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "O'kay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

GETTING READY FOR THE SKI SEASON!

Here is a list of exercises to help you get ready for the ski season:

Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

Soak your ski gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

Throw away a one-hundred dollar bill now.

Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, an accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Drop things on a random basis.

Place a small but sharp pebble in your shoes. Line your shoes with crushed ice. Now tighten a c-clamp around your toes.

Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one of them away.

Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you get into the longest line.

Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket inflict multiple lacerations on your exposed face.

Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – just so long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an eighteen-wheeler.

Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip down your collar and into your clothes.

Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them all off because you have to go to the bathroom.

Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a Doctor.

Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time to head out on your skiing trip.

No Ears

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marines and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise).

The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked.

The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears."

Little Partner

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration. "Thanks", the girl says.

The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

Little Partner, the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig; but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

THE 7 STAGES OF SEX

1st Stage

Smurf Sex - This is when you first meet someone and
you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

2nd Stage

Kitchen Sex - This is when you have been with your
partner for a short time and you are so horny you will
have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

3rd Stage

Bedroom Sex - This is when you have been with your
partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine
and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

4th Stage

Hallway Sex - This is when you have been with your
partner for too long. When you pass each other in the
hallway you both say "screw you".

5th Stage

Courtroom Sex - This is when you cannot stand your
wife/hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and
FUCKS you in front of everyone.

6th Stage

Religious Sex - This is when you get Nun in the
morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

7th Stage

Social Security Sex - This is when you get a little
each month. But not enough to live on!

TEN THINGS TO PONDER FOR 2007

#10 Life is sexually transmitted.

#9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.

#8 Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

#6 Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents??

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007:

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

AWNAA

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

The President pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.

Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me.." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse........ You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.

MASTERCARD WEDDING?

Also known as: "Clemson Wedding" or "Wedding Revenge."

[This is NOT a true story. It's a really enjoyable Urban Legend, and I love it!]

You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!

"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow!"